


Revenge of the Crab

by Ma_Kir



Category: Crab Battle, Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy
Genre: Canon Divergence - Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith, Gen, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-14
Updated: 2020-02-14
Packaged: 2021-02-19 11:53:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,376
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22710415
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ma_Kir/pseuds/Ma_Kir
Summary: Darth Vader encounters his wife on Mustafar, after securing the galaxy for the Sith and believing himself to have become the ultimate power in the universe. Little does he know that his ultimate challenge has only just begun ...Written in honour of BOE's MGS 3: Crab Battle Newgrounds Flash Animation.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 1





	1. Chapter 1

_"Liar!"_ Darth Vader snarls, his hatred twisting the mask of Anakin Skywalker into a hellish parody of the passion that it used to be as he telekinetically strangles his wife.   
  
After everything he's done. All the things that he accomplished, all the atrocities to which he made himself complicit, everything has led to this moment where he finally has the power to save everything he cares about from being destroyed ... only for his wife to betray him, to harbour a powerful Force-sensitive being on her ship that can only be a Jedi. Which Jedi is it? It doesn't matter. It could be Yoda for all he knows. Or Obi-Wan. The power of the Dark Side rages through him, his eyes already glowing with hate, no longer hide who he has become, no longer having to pretend to act like the thing that he truly is.   
  
But then, he stops. His black-gloved hand slackens, and Padme crumples to the ground. He hears the skittering of sharp points down metal. They are singular. It can't be the Mustafarians. They work with the Separatists, who they don't know are already dead by his hand, and even if they saw this, Vader knows enough about them to realize that they would come in greater numbers ... or run. 

For a few moments, he thought he'd sensed Obi-Wan, hiding on the ship. But then the presence became muted. Perhaps it was his sheer power in the Force that made him feel the remnant of his old Master in their shattered Bond, hearing and sensing everything that _was._ Perhaps Obi-Wan is already dead. But what comes off the ship takes the fallen Jedi Knight by surprise. 

Had it just been a few days since he and his wife had _dinner_? He'd been to Akiva once during the early stages of the Clone Wars, even Sarini Island on Chandrila, and on Coruscant itself he and Padme ate some delicious Ravine crab.   
  
Which is precisely what he sees scuttling down the ramp of Padme's silvery Naboo star skiff.   
  
A crab. A simple Ravine crab.   
  
The young Sith Lord reaches out with his senses, towards this small crustacean. And he finds the source of the Force presence he has been feeling since Padme arrived.   
  
" _You_ turned her against me?"

The crab skitters down into the dirt and ash. It climbs towards Padme's prone form, and then climbs onto it. Darth Vader snarls, pacing around this being.   
  
"You will not take her from me!"  
  
For a few moments, the crab seems to almost ... dance on Padme's head. And this is the point where Darth Vader finally loses his patience. Appearances can be deceiving, it's true, but he will not countenance this. He has destroyed the Jedi Temple. Knights and Masters have fallen under his blade. He is more powerful than the Chancellor. This creature, Jedi or no, will fall before him, before getting in the way of his plans.   
  
He shrugs off his cloak, and ignites his azure lightsaber blade. Despite the Force's warning to him, and the strange misgivings of his heart, the man once known as Anakin Skywalker charges at the Ravine crab ... to make it meet its destiny. 


	2. Chapter 2

As Darth Vader's former Jedi weapon -- a blue column that cauterizes flesh, and cleaves through most alloys -- hums through the air, the crab, leaps out of the way, and slashes at the vertically descending blade with one of its claws ...   
  
Countering the energy weapon's strike entirely.   
  
The strength of the parry drives Vader back, his boots skidding against the ground. He narrows his stance into a crouch, and his eyes turn into amber slits of pure, unadulterated rage.   
  
And fear.  
  
Darth Vader paces around the crab, as the creature scuttles back and forth, its claws up, its eyes on either side of its carapace piercing -- calculating -- with non-humanoid intelligence.   
  
"Insolent crab!" Vader roars, feeding fear and pain into the Force, bolstering his resolve against this creature and its Form IV Ataru acrobatics rivaling that of Yoda himself. "I don't know who you are, or where you came from, or what Temple you trained at. It doesn't matter! I see through the lies of the Jedi. I do not fear the Dark Side as you ... do?" Vader shakes his head. No matter. "I have brought peace, freedom, justice, and security to my new empire!"   
  
Vader lunges again, the crab managing to flip over his strikes away from Padme whom, distracted as he is, doesn't see R2-D2 and C3-PO maneuvering her unconscious form to carry back onto her ship. With the droids unseen, the crab negates one horizontal lightsaber strike and then a vertical with the edges of his claws.   
  
"Don't make me kill you." Vader says, trying to substitute anger for bravado, as the crab now proceeds to jump away from him, his lightsaber strikes humming through empty air as he considers the implications of this situation. "If you aren't with me, then you are my enemy!"  
  
The crab lands in front of the Separatist headquarters, shuffling rapidly back and forth, its claws up again in front of its face. Challenging.   
  
A cold smile forms on the face of Anakin Skywalker as he ignores his unease about the entire situation.   
  
"You will try."  
  
*  
  
Darth Vader swings through the Separatist Council's chamber, his lightsaber blade creating scours across metal walls, floors, and equipment. The crab blocks his swipes, his strikes, his attacks, and dodges the rest. They fight past the corpses of the Separatist leaders, cut down by Vader himself. Vader grits his teeth. Let the crab see the evidence of his power. Granted, it's not as impressive as his slaughter at the Jedi Temple but he has -- single-handedly -- ended this war. He has killed a lot of people. Jedi, warriors, battle droids, enemies of the Republic ... of his new Empire. No one will get in the way of what he wants.   
  
Not the Jedi. Not Palpatine. Not Obi-Wan. Not even Padme.   
  
And not some stupid, plain, little, Ravine crab that he would have eaten as last week's appetizer.   
  
It's when they leave the Conference Room and into the Control Room that his lightsaber slashes a panel, eliminating the shield around the base, exposing it to the heat of Mustafar's lava flows, that Darth Vader has finally had enough.   
  
He puts his lightsaber away and unleashes his black-gloved hand, calling on the Force to smash this little ... pest into pulp against the wall. The crab sits on the panel next to the exit door. The power of the Dark Side is released upon it, ready to crush it into oblivion just as it ... jumps out of the way at the last second, and the machinery is rendered into useless slag.   
  
If the shields around the base hadn't been deactivated before, they are permanently now.   
  
Darth Vader snarls, launching forward with a powerful Force leap, to bring his blade down. The crab dodges it. He brings his boot down to crush the thing, but the crustacean avoids the stomp. And then the other one.   
  
"Don't make me destroy you." Vader wheezes, having a strange premonition as he does so. "You're no match for the Dark Side!"  
  
The crab scuttles off, making a gesture at the the Sith Lord. Vader engulfs himself with the power of his rage as he uses the Force to run after the creature, into the walkway outside.   
  
*  
  
The heat outside the facility is hellish and blistering, but nowhere near the fury burning in Darth Vader's soul as he attempts -- some might say desperately -- to stamp out his enemy.   
  
It is narrow path, this balcony. Vader calls upon the Dark Side, like never before, ripping loose objects of different weights and shapes to hurl at the crab, to crush it. But the tiny creature keeps jumping on every object, one to another, and away from him. Vader doesn't like this. Vader doesn't like this at all. Even with his raw power in the Force, even with the Dark Side augmenting it further and farther than he had ever been capable, he is actually getting a little tired. But the crab, it just keeps moving, and countering with its strangely lightsaber-resistant claws.   
  
What manner of mockery is it? An alchemic creation from Moraband? A Jedi Master never seen before the Council? Are its claws made of beskar?   
  
It doesn't matter. None of this matters. Vader rips off the railing that the crab is retreating to, and further destroys that layer of the shield around the superstructure of this place. It has no choice. It has to retreat into the greater heat now. It will broil, like so many of its brethren. The railing falls into the lava below, instantly disintegrating.   
  
And then, Vader sees it.   
  
The crab had jumped again. This time, it is on the thin pipe between the Control Centre and the Power Plant. Its sharp legs have found a horizontal purchase as it scuttles away from the Sith Lord.   
  
The Sith Lord sees now that he has no choice. Every step of the way has brought him to this point. He has invested too much now.   
  
Darth Vader decides to follow after the crab. And, somehow, he now knows that he will meet his destiny.   
  
  



	3. Chapter 3

Far away from Mustafar, deep at the heart of galactic civilization, Darth Sidious -- Emperor Palpatine of the new Galactic Empire -- stands on the Senate Pod in the Rotunda after his own battle with a diminutive creature. It is then that the Force whispers to him. He sees a flash of Lord Vader in all of his dark glory and ...  
  
He turns to Mas Amedda, his Vice-Chancellor, his Grand Vizier of his new dominion. "Tell Captain Kagi to prepare my shuttle for immediate takeoff ..." He pauses, looking around as though trying to focus on the threat to his new Apprentice. "I sense Lord Vader is in danger."  
  
*  
  
Darth Vader continues to fight his opponent. They leap onto multispired panels, jumping from one to the other. Then, a spray of lava comes down. The crab skitters into a corner, while Vader hides under the remaining metal cover. Vader sees the creature and tries to stab it, but it parries him and scuttles away. He chases it, slashing, stabbing and stomping while it hides and evades him in different cracks. He smashes his leg into a corner and howls, barely avoiding a stream of liquid magma coming down from the sky.   
  
Vader is getting tired of this game. And he knows, that it will be over soon.   
  
The tower breaks off from the heat of the planet with its shield. Slowly, it becomes apparent that Vader is pushing it to the edge, and the tower is sinking into fiery death. Finally, Darth Vader has his prey where he wants it. He lets the pain in his leg feed his rage as he stalks forward. Then, the crab looks up from both sides of its carapace. It sees a rope, a cable, from the collection arm ... and it jumps on the collection itself, and skitters across the rope.   
  
Vader roars as he leaps towards his own cable. The two swing towards each other, Vader's blue blade cutting through the crab's, but the crab ...  
  
It smacks onto Vader's head, cutting his face with one claw, and severing his cable with the other. Vader screams as he falls, barely grabbing the tower and its protrusions in time. The crab itself is nowhere to be seen. The tower is almost into the lava. Vader realizes that he is going to fall with it. There is nowhere else to go. He is doomed.   
  
But the Force shows him another way.   
  
He sees the construction droids. He gets onto the structure, and he runs for it. He runs and jumps ... he leaps through the air.   
  
And he lands on the floating droid.   
  
He reaches out his senses. He can't sense the crab anywhere. The presence of the Force is gone. He did it. At last, after everything he's gone through, that annoyance, that irritation, that aggravation in his way is finally gone. It is cooked in the lava. Into oblivion. Now he just needs to use the Force and his aptitude with technological tickering to get this droid back to the mainland, to deal with Obi-Wan, to deal with Padme, and then ...  
  
And then he sees the crab.   
  
It is on a rock. It's ... it's impossible. There are rocks in the lava, but they are molten hot. And it is ... it's somehow dancing from one rock to another. It is leaping away, on these white hot pebbles, these temporary blips in the molten heart of this world. It is heading for the nearest bank. Vader uses his power to steer the droid towards the crab.   
  
He is swinging his lightsaber blade at it, telekinetically throwing gobs of lava in its direction that it keeps dodging. Then, there is a platform. And the crab is on it.   
  
Finally, Vader and the crab face each other on their hovering mechanisms over fiery death. The crab doesn't even have its claws up. Vader has his lightsaber down. They regard each other quietly for a time.   
  
"I should have known the Jedi were plotting to take over ..." Vader growls, thinking this must be a Council member or a Master on a secret mission with which he hadn't been informed, a being trained specifically to kill Sith. To kill someone like him.   
  
The creature brings up one claw and snaps it. Then it brings up the other claw and does the same.   
  
"From _my_ point of view, the Jedi are evil!" Vader snarls, reading what he thinks is its own sign language.   
  
The crab doesn't even react, but turns its back on him.   
  
"This is the end for you!" Vader screams, slicing where the crab was moments ago before he sees it has jumped again.  
  
It takes only a second to realize what has happened. The crab is no longer on the platform. Instead, it ontop of a black hill overlooking the lava river. It looks down at him, bringing out its claws, and brandishing them again. Condescendingly. Mockingly.   
  
And Vader ... he has had enough. The Dark Side has consumed him fully. This absolute annoyance to existence, this inconvenience, this ... utter piece of ossik, is going to die to today.   
  
_"You underestimate my power!"_ The Sith Lord roars with the power of the Dark itself as he leaps into the air, prepared to deliver the killing blow.   
  
Darth Vader isn't sure how it happens exactly. He flips through the air, prepared to stab his blade downward when ....   
  
The crab turns its claws and jumps to meet him, going past all of his defenses as if they had never existed to begin with. Its claws gleam in the hellish light of Mustafar as they tear through Vader's legs, and arm. The impact of this makes Vader land heavily on the ground, as he skids down below, to the river, searing agony where his limbs used to be, the ash of Mustafar burning his skin as he falls near the lava bank. Agony fills him. And horror.   
  
The creature. No, this thing isn't a Jedi. It can't be for all of its ruthlessness. For the way it toyed with him. For its cruelty. The person who used to be Anakin Skywalker heard stories of dragons that devoured prey in the desert. He'd listened to tales about angels that lived on the moons of Iego. But never before had he heard any account of a crustacean with this much power. Never before, having come from a desert world like that Tatooine had he considered the power of a being that didn't really exist. Never did he consider the power of a crab.   
  
He sees the crab scuttle towards him. He has his one mechanical limb left. His hand. He will squash it. But fear and pain fill him. This shouldn't have been possible. This ...   
  
And then, he sees the crab move towards a shining object. Through his agony, Darth Vader realizes that it's his lightsaber hilt. He must have dropped it when he was eviscerated, taken down ... He sees the crab pick it up with his claws. It regards him for only a moment, before it turns, and skitters away.   
  
_"I hate you!"_ Darth Vader shrieks at the thing that unmanned him as the lava bank sets him on fire, and the crab leaves him there to writhe in the flames. 


	4. Chapter 4

Obi-Wan rubs his head. Something had landed on it and knocked him unconscious.   
  
He left the ship. He saw Padme, saw ... what happened to her. He made sure he was stable. The logical part of him knows he should leave with her and the droids, to go to Polis Massa. But he can't yet. He has to be certain.   
  
He has to be sure.   
  
Eventually, leaping from one place to another, he sees the battle. He watches the tail end of it. And then, the end. He doesn't understand. Even though he had been sent by Yoda to finish this, Anakin should have been powerful enough to defeat anyone. Obi-Wan himself knew he would have needed every resource at his disposal to deal with his former apprentice, and there had been a fairly good chance he would still fail to defeat him.   
  
But as the Jedi Master walks to the lava cliff, he sees ... it.   
  
It scuttles up to the top, holding a glittering metal cylinder in its claws. Obi-Wan recognizes the weapon. He also knows the creature.   
  
It doesn't seem to be paying attention to him. It stands for a few moments on its pointed legs, and then he moves towards a large rock and disappears. Very carefully, Obi-Wan treads forward. He can sense the imminent Darkness coming. He has his hand on his own lightsaber hilt, but he doesn't draw his weapon. He doesn't dare. The Jedi Code always admonishes against fear, but this case a healthy sense of caution is more than necessary.   
  
He turns around the corner, seeing the smoking remains of his apprentice down below, the wounds on his seared body jagged yet cauterized. The crab is scuttling into a hole underneath the rock. Anakin's lightsaber lies nearby, seemingly forgotten, a shiny bauble only entertaining for a time. Just an animal's plaything for the moment. The crab disappears into the hole. Obi-Wan waits a few seconds.   
  
Then, he comes forward. He reaches down, and picks up the lightsaber cylinder. He places it on his belt. For a few moments, he considers what to do with the remains of Anakin Skywalker before he senses the power of the Dark Side coming forward. Yoda must have failed in his task. He has no time. Even so, as he closes his eyes, and turns away to return to Padme's ship, he remembers the vague legend of a wandering Jedi once meeting a creature that was small, swift, and swung its weapons like the counter-currents of the water. He recalls that there had been a subset of a lightsaber Form, an obscure one, inspired by that Jedi meeting such a being.   
  
Obi-Wan slowly backs away from the scene, and seeing that he's not being pursued, leaves. He doesn't know what to make of this. All he does, after getting onto Padme's ship, and navigating it to Polis Massa is take the sizable flask out of his Jedi robes that he had always said contained tea -- but didn't really -- and take a series of long swigs. This flask would remain his constant companion throughout the years on the desert world where he would watch the son of the man he once called brother, not trying to drown out the memories of the Clone Wars, of his beloved Satine's death, the recordings of the Temple slaughter, or even the burning body of Anakin Skywalker, but the one glance into the eyes of the being that seemed to resemble a normal Ravine crab.  
  
It was those alien eyes alone, not caring about the galaxy or the carnage it saw, and lived in, that discarded a great warrior's -- a demon's -- weapon out of a whim after destroying him that kept Obi-Wan awake at night drinking something warmer than tea in the depths of the Jundland Wastes.   
  
THE END


End file.
